Having kids certainly puts us in some interesting situations. Their complete lack of inhibition, common sense or appropriateness often means you find yourself uttering some incredibly awkward words and phrases that, in any other circumstance, might be seen as an eyebrow raiser.

I started keeping a mental catalogue of the weird things that pop out of my mouth in the immediate aftermath of toddler shenanigans. Laugh if you will, but I’m betting you’ve got your own brilliant quotes that you can’t believe you ever had to say.

“Stop yanking your penis!”

Context – My two year old son is currently obsessed with his winky. He spends as much time as humanly possible looking at, playing with, tugging on or just plain fondling his nether regions (even when asleep!). It’s actually quite disturbing to me. Not because I’m a prude who thinks that any sort of “self-appreciation” is wrong (I am a big fan, actually!) but because he pulls so hard on it at times that I genuinely fear he’s going to yank the thing off!

“Is that poop or chocolate??”

Context – When I first heard this phrase uttered in the film “Baby Mama,” I laughed. But in the back of my mind I thought it was just one of those things you see in movies that are for comedic value only and not at all based in reality. Who could ever mistake poop for chocolate, after all? And then my kid was suddenly old enough not only to eat chocolate on a fairly regular basis but also to remove his own diaper. The result was a constant feeling of insecurity on my part. So much so, in fact, that I now feel the need to ask this question more often than I like.

“Actually, the baby’s not a fan of rancid milk…”

Context – For all his faults, Dexter is quite the thoughtful big brother. He’s seen us struggling to try and get Daniel to take a bottle, and he will often come and soothingly pat his head or kiss his cheek to keep him calm as we continue in our quest to offer alternate sustenance. But because Dan hasn’t taken to it very well, we usually have quite a lot of milk or formula left when we inevitably give up. And because we are a bit lazy, we sometimes forget to empty the bottle when we’re done. Hours later, when we finally remember to dump it out, we can’t seem to find it. It’s at this point when we find Dexter trying to feed it to a sleeping Daniel through the bars of his crib.

“You kiss just like your father.”

Context – Come on. We’ve all been there. When your son discovers how much fun it is to make out with mommy, throwing in a little tongue action and occasionally even fondling your breast. Whether it’s because he’s seen daddy do it or just because he isn’t totally in control of his body yet, you have to resist the temptation to give in to that feeling that it is something inappropriate. The truth is that it doesn’t mean anything to the kid. It’s his way of showing he loves you and of learning about showing affection. It’s a game, and if you make a big deal out of it or teach him that it’s “wrong” somehow, he’s going to grow up feeling ashamed of himself. So just grin, kiss him back (maybe on the cheek!) and appreciate how much he adores you.

And if that fails, grab a cute girl baby for him to practice on.

“Please stop licking my bum!”

Context - I’m not sure if it’s because he sees Dan suckling at my breast and he feels jealous, but Dexter has started claiming my ass as his own personal domain. Several times a day I will lean or bend over, and if I’m not paying attention, I will be taken by surprise by a sudden wet smack on the backside. The kid thinks it’s hilarious to make me yelp, and he keeps doing it until I find myself, eyes bulging out, screaming this phrase into his gleeful little face.

All in all, becoming a parent has meant a whole new world of weird experiences. I could go on and on. But I’d love to hear the phrases YOU never thought YOU’D utter! Let me know in the comments, as I can’t be the only one who holds my head in my hands at least twice a day.