I´ll probably never hold a brush
that paints a masterpeice
Probably never find a pen
that writes a symphony
But if I will love then I will find
That I have touched another life
And that´s something
Something worth leaving behind

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about legacies. Once you become a parent, it suddenly occurs to you that you aren’t necessarily going to be there to take care of your children forever. Whether through illness or accident, at any point you might be taken out of the picture – leaving behind a young person who doesn’t really understand where mommy or daddy has disappeared to and why they don’t come back.

This has been on my mind a lot lately. With the issues I’ve had during this pregnancy, I have on occasion found myself wondering what might happen if I don’t make it through… It’s a morbid thought, and I don’t like entertaining it, but it’s a very real concern.

Many years ago, I was told that having babies wasn’t the best idea for me… My body wasn’t going to cope well with it. I knew I’d need medical intervention, and I was advised that if I didn’t get pregnant young (when I would have a better chance of good health and recovery), I should probably not get pregnant at all. But at the same time, I was advised that actually GETTING pregnant without medical assistance was going to be hard, if not impossible. My ovaries were so full of cysts, and I had a lot of build up in my endometrial lining. Surgeries were suggested and lasers to get rid of the cysts. There were dangers, but it was my best shot.

Of course, being in my early 20s at the time, I put off the decision. My ex-husband and I weren’t quite ready to go for it yet, and until we were I figured I should not bother with surgeries. I knew for sure that I wanted children, but I also knew that doctors aren’t always correct. I had time.

Fast forward many years, and the time just never rolled around. Eventually, the desire for children became one of many reasons that my marriage broke down. I knew time was running out, and I wanted to create that legacy. Perhaps it’s selfish, but I wanted my own child – someone who would love me no matter what, whom I could love forever and who was MADE of me. When it became apparent that it wasn’t going to happen, big decisions were made, and I walked away for good.

You can imagine the surprise I felt when only 3 months into my relationship with Mark, I found myself pregnant. I remember it so well. I was convinced that it couldn’t happen for me. I was 28 years old and knew that my fertility issues would inhibit procreation. And Mark had expressed his own fears about his fertility. But somehow, when my period was two weeks late, I bought a test. I was just about to get into  a bath, and I peed on the stick quickly before I got in. In fact, I nearly forgot about it, as I was so focussed on the book I was reading. Luckily it was only a couple of minutes before I remembered, and I leaned over to verify that all was well and I was not, in fact, pregnant.

When I saw the positive result, I almost fainted. I stared for ages, completely gobsmacked, lost for words and in a tiny bit of shock. I set the test aside and got in the bath, trying to forget. I tried to read, but my mind kept drifting to what it all meant.

It took me many months before I was able to come to terms with the fact that I was carrying a child. There were many breakdowns, fears and fighting with Mark. I had waited so long for this, but I was so scared of what might happen. Even if I made it through the pregnancy, would I be able to take care of a tiny helpless baby? Were Mark and I strong enough as a couple to work together?

Of course, the pregnancy itself was no doddle. I was high risk all the way, and I spent a lot of time in the hospital with various issues. Early labor, hemorrhaging, anemia, infections. It seemed like every time I went for a routine appointment, I was admitted to hospital with some issue or another.

But we made it through. Dexter was born, happy and healthy, and he bonded Mark and me in a way that I couldn’t have anticipated. He became our top priority, the light of our lives, and a perfect representation of what love really means.

I´ll probably never dream a dream
and watch it turn to gold
No, I´ll never lose my life
to save another soul
If I will love then I will find
That I have touched another life
And that´s something
Something worth leaving behind

And now… well this pregnancy has had many more issues than the last one. I have spent the last seven weeks in some state of illness or another, each morphing into something worse. The baby is not growing as he should, and my greatest fear is that my inability to fight these health issues will mean that our son is damaged in some way.

And sometimes, when I feel him moving around inside of me, so very strong and virile, my fears turn to my own life. What if something happens to me? What if I don’t make it through this next round? What if I leave my newborn son and his beautiful big brother alone? The thought terrifies me.

Of course I would give my life in an instant for my children. Mark is completely aware that if a choice is to be made, he is to always always choose our child over me. He may not like it, but he knows that I could never live with myself if something happened to my babies.

But despite my determination to put my kids first, I still feel the fear for myself. I don’t WANT to die. I don’t WANT to have to choose. I don’t WANT to leave anyone behind. And I’m sure that all will be well – of course it will… but there’s always that small chance that the worst could happen, and so I have to ask myself what I am leaving behind for my boys.

Dexter is too young to remember me for very long. And while there are a ton of photos and videos, I worry they aren’t enough to prove to him just how much his mama loved him. Mark swears that he will make sure that he knows. He will tell him stories, show him pictures, take him to visit my family.

But is it enough? Will it see him through when he desperately needs a mother in his life? And what about the new baby? He’d have no memories, no photos… nothing but daddy’s stories, which wouldn’t even include him.

I have to hope that all will be well. Fear cripples me sometimes, but I know that the probability is high that all will be well. Dexter and his little brother will both know the love of their mother for a long time to come. We will create many happy memories and live long and happy lives. They will see how much their parents love one another and grow into sensitive, caring men who want to be just like their daddy. They will get to the point that they find us embarrassing and want nothing to do with us. But they will always come back for hugs and cuddles and comfort when things get tough.

I see such a future, and I pray that it comes to pass. Because I have so much love to give and so many things I want to do. I have plans, and woe betide anyone who tries to stand in my way.

Hey baby see the future that we´re building
Our love lives on in the lives of our children
And that´s something
Something worth leaving behind