Putting aside the obvious reasons for having a baby – y’know… like actually WANTING one, being ready, and wanting to share your love with another person forever – there are some really great benefits to actually allowing yourself to get “up the duff.” Allow me to illustrate the things you might not have thought about when you got that sinking feeling last time you peed on a stick.
Top 10 Best Reasons to Have a Baby
1. You don’t have to clean your house. Yes, it’s true. Until your youngest child is at LEAST five years old, you get an automatic pass for a messy abode. Everyone knows that no matter how well you dust and polish, little kids can completely decimate your place in a matter of minutes. When you’ve got a baby, people expect there to be diapers, wipes, clothes and half-eaten dinners EVERYWHERE. When you’ve got a toddler, they expect toys and shoes and spilled milk and bits of cereal in the carpet. And from the ages of about 2.5 – 5 years, guests know that you are waiting to clean until the kid is in school. Because trying to do so before that is just asking for a breakdown.
2. You don’t have to engage with annoying people. Yep – that woman on the block who is always coming over and gabbing for HOURS about her latest toenail fungus can be dealt with swiftly and without insult by simply blaming the kid. “Sorry, LaRonda, but Baby Harvey is getting fussy and hasn’t been fed or had a nap yet, and we’ve GOT to run. We’ll catch up soon, I promise!” This tactic works well on its own before the baby is around three years old, as they are pretty much guaranteed to get fussy if you stop for any length of time. But after three, you may have to teach the kid to throw a fake tantrum or two. Offer him a cookie if he manages to be extra convincing.
3. You become a sex pro! This is a little talked about side effect of becoming a parent. Because most people don’t want to admit that their sex life has been hindered in ANY way by having babies. But the truth is that what used to take you thirty minutes to accomplish can now be knocked on the head in less than three minutes. And that’s WITH foreplay! Sure, you might not be setting the world on fire with your passion, but since you’re going to be exhausted from a full day of feeding, changing, chasing and bathing your own little Tazmanian Devil, you will appreciate the new normal of Quick and Quiet.
4. You can quote every Disney movie word for word – including ALL song lyrics! Yes, it is every parent’s obligation to buy their child the complete library of Disney movies and to watch them over and over (and over and over) again, day in and day out, without ever complaining or lamenting the lack of PG-13 in your life. Instead of looking for the hidden penis on the cover art of The Little Mermaid or listening closely while the genie whispers innuendo in Aladdin’s ear, you will spend your time trying to decipher the correct Hawaiian lyrics in Lilo and Stitch. (For the record, it goes, “Aloha `oe, aloha `oe. E ke onaona noho i ka lipo. One fond embrace, A ho`i a`e au. Until we meet again.” You’re welcome.)
5. You always have a bathroom buddy. You know how women always have to go to the restroom together? Well, kids seem to think it is their duty to accompany you on every toilet trip. Y’know – just in case you get lost. And they make great assistants, as well. They are only too happy to unwind miles of toilet paper so that you have a nice big cottony cloud to wipe with… in fact, they are even quite happy to try and wipe FOR you! And you don’t have to worry yourself about flushing, as they are quite keen to mash that lever for you. In fact, quite often, they will mash it while you’re still sitting down (the spray can be quite refreshing on your nether regions). And when it’s time to wash up, you can rest assured that your little buddy will do his utmost to help there, too. Not only will your hands get clean, but your face, your shirt, and your trousers will also get their share of soapy water.
6. You get to indulge your inner child. As we grow up, we forget how much fun we had as kids, coloring outside the lines, eating paste, and my personal favorite – playing with dolls. Having kids means you get to go through it all again without any of the associated judgement from your peers. You can spend as much time as you want playing connect the dots, coloring in your Disney Princess book or making adorable fashion decisions for
your your child’s Barbie doll… Tell me that’s not worth the price of admission right there!
7. You can pretend to be a vampire! You’ll become so used to getting up at all hours of the night that you’ll suddenly find a new beauty in the darkness. And since you’ll need to sleep during the day, your skin will become abnormally pale from a lack of sunlight, while your eyes become permanently red-rimmed. Even when you DO go out in the daytime, that blasted sun will burn your retinas, and you’ll shrink away into the shade as quickly as possible. All of this might sound like a downer, but think of the fun new fantasies you will be able to indulge in, imagining yourself as Bella Swan and your other half as Edward Cullen. Plus, you can dress all in black (which helps slim your post pregnancy figure!) and drink Bloody Mary’s as often as you want!
8. You get nine months of free mood swings! It is the most perfect excuse to have your way on EVERYTHING. Sure it’s not exactly ethical to plan it in advance, but as long as you know you’ll be a hormonal beast monster anyway, you might as well use it to your advantage, right? Tiredof your husband snoring all night? Kick him out of bed! Tell him you need the extra room for your expanding belly. Don’t want to cook? Demand to be taken to your favorite restaurant. Tell him the baby is craving lobster. Sure you might feel a bit guilty about how you’re behaving, but just remind yourself that you’re doing all the hard work here. Everyone else’s job is to make it easier for you until the baby comes. Then you’re all in it together.
9. You will learn exceptional new skills. You know that scene in every good spy movie where the special agent has to make it through some sort of high security room with lasers and motion detectors everywhere without setting any alarms off? Then has to switch out the real diamond with the fake one all in the name of national security? Well by the time your little one reaches two years old, you’ll be able to do that kind of thing with your eyes closed! Seriously! Night after night of having to nagivate through a dark bedroom, dodging Lego, wooden blocks, random marbles and furniture, all while carrying a sleeping toddler to his bed will be all the training you’ll ever need!
10. You’ll never be overly critical of your appearance again! The biggest advantage to having a baby? You don’t have to TRY so hard! So you used to wear intricate makeup each day, straighten your hair, and spend ages choosing just the right outfit for every hour of the day? Well now, you are happy if you just get a shower once a week! Your daily makeup routine involves wiping a tissue across your cheek to remove baby snot, and your fashion choices will be based on the “sniff test.” From now on, your permanent accessories will be a diaper bag and a cute little face that looks up at you just in time to projectile vomit in your face. And you will barely even react except to quickly remove the excess before your 10:30 AM lunch with whichever girlfriend has drawn the short straw that week.
So there you have it. The Top 10 Best Reasons to Have a Baby. Have something to add to the list? Comment with your favorite reason and I’ll choose my favorite comment to receive a copy of Jill Smokler’s Confessions of a Scary Mommy. Just ’cause I love her blog, and the book is hilarious. So let’s get going! I’ll give it a few days and announce the winner on Monday. So get commenting!